Have you ever had rude and obnoxious neighbors you wished would disappear? You didn’t know them well and saw them on rare occasions, but the sounds that came from their house made you sick to your stomach.

Could these vulgar people learn to respect others and live in peace in the neighborhood?  Or was this impossible? To find out, you might have to be a “fly 
on the wall” in . . .

The House On Loverly Lane

     Bright Christmas lights decorated the eaves, entrance, and front windows of the sprawling, late-model ranch house at 335 Loverly Lane, in the upscale neighborhood of Benson Heights. The lights danced around the arches of the entry inviting all to enter, yet belying the intrigue within.

     The occupants of this Loverly Lane home, however, were no mystery to their neighbors. They had to put up with this loud, crude family of misfits, prone to yelling and using foul language in the presence of others. At times, the vulgarity streaming from the home’s open windows caused neighbors to cringe as they walked by the house. Some even held their hands over the ears of their “innocent” children to protect them from the awful outbursts.

     At three hundred pounds, Jonathan Beastly was the family patriarch. Brash and rowdy, he ruled the clan with an iron hand, which, on most occasions, held something edible. His wife, Betty, a loud, vulgar one hundred seventy pounds draped over a five- foot-two-inch frame rambled from kitchen to dining room, with food in hand, to keep the family fed. Twelve-year-old Garrett, lewd beyond anyone’s imagination, small in height for his age, at four feet nine inches, yet weighing one hundred and forty pounds, fell out of his jeans, which hung below his hips and showed off the crack in his well-developed posterior. His fourteen-year-old sister, Cara, an obnoxious, raunchy, one hundred and sixty-five pound “beauty,” at least in her own eyes, pranced around the house semi-naked.

     The Beastlys had one common interest, treating themselves to the pleasures of life, in particular, eating lavishly and devouring everything in sight. As Christmas approached, decorated cookies, chocolate cakes with sugary frosting, fruit pies of every kind imaginable, and a wide variety of puffy breads adorned almost every table and counter of the house. Family members dragged their hefty bodies past the food displayed and with outstretched arms grabbed the nearest treat in reach and stuffed it with great force and quickness into their mouths, leaving the remnants of this endeavor smeared on their faces.

     Loud belching and farting dominated the holiday sounds heard throughout the Beastly home each day and each night of the “Twelve Days of Christmas.” If others had been present, they would have been driven to escape through a door or window in an attempt to find a source of fresh air.

     The family possessed great wealth, as they had received a two million dollar inheritance upon the death of Uncle Cyrus, almost two years ago. With an unlimited source of funding available to them, the Beastlys, having no sense of style or knowledge of interior decorating, hired a specialist to decorate and furnish their home. The outcome of this professional’s efforts created a stark contrast between the beauty of the home’s furnishings and the “beasts” in residence.

     The great room, where the family lounged on the furniture in the midst of the splendor of pastries and other goodies, served as the their central gathering place. Prized possessions included Jonathan Beastly’s throne, a brown leather recliner, stationed in the center of the room facing a 70” LED television; Betty’s plush leather chair and ottoman; Garrett’s striking nine-foot couch; and Cara’s golden, leather loveseat.

     Now having nice furnishings didn’t mean they treated these belongings with respect. The abuse the furniture received was savage. A barrage of profanity and hitting and kicking of these “prized possessions” took place on a regular basis. This constant mistreatment would not have been tolerated, if the furniture had the means to confront its attackers.

     Christmas week approached. Garrett, somewhat uptight because of having to serve detention at school the Friday before vacation, entered the great room and dove onto the couch, hitting his head on the arm and twisting his neck. He screamed, “You damn couch. Can’t you do anything right.” Punching its arm with all his might, he took out his frustrations on this poor “soul.”

     Hearing the yelling, Cara came running into the room ranting, “You woke me up. What the hell is going on in here?”

     “Aw, the stupid couch hurt me.”

     “So, hurt it back. Watch what I do.”

     Cara strutted over to her lush loveseat and begin kicking it, with a force so strong dents appeared in its body. “Now, that’s how it’s done, Garrett. You can’t let the furniture control you. Remember, you are the master. You rule.”       

     “Yeah, I rule,” Garrett wailed.

     However, as Christmas neared life became calmer and a relative peace characterized the Beastly home. Then Christmas Eve arrived and with it a Beastly dinner celebration. Betty placed dish upon dish of sumptuous food on the dining room table, so much so, the table appeared to sag at its middle.

     A thirty-pound turkey, with dressing pouring from every crevice, took center stage. A gallon bowl of mashed potatoes, dripping with melted butter; three plates of sweet potatoes; an overflowing cast iron pot of mac and cheese; a tin dish filled with spaghetti covered with Alfredo Sauce, seasoned breadcrumbs, and parmesan cheese; and two baskets filled with buttery biscuits, strawberry scones, and blueberry muffins sat with pride around the spectacular bird.

     Looking at the huge feast before her with great delight, Betty sneered at the table and sputtered, “Muscle up you ungrateful creature. You gotta last through Christmas.” She licked her lips as she gazed at her sumptuous creations and squealed, “Come and get it.” 

     Like a herd of elephants, first Garret, then, Cara, and finally Jonathan, “Big John” Beastly, bolted into the dining room, pushing and shoving to secure their places at the table. Betty trudged in behind them and flopped into her chair.

     All now seated, Jonathan in a loud, melodic voice delivered the traditional family prayer. “Hand to hand, then into the mouth, suck it up, chew it with gusto, and send it all south. Thank you, Lord. Amen.” The family members then gorged themselves until they could no longer move and breathing became difficult.

     Pushing himself away from the table, Jonathan stood tall and groaned, “Everybody into the great room. Come on. Get your tails moving.”

     With food dripping from his mouth, Garret mumbled, “Good dinner. Can’t eat no more.” He tried standing, but fell back into his chair. Then he growled, “I’m the man.” And mustering his energy, he lifted his body out of the chair and headed toward the great room.

     Entering the room, Jonathan moved toward his recliner and crashed his well-endowed behind into it causing the recliner’s seat to buckle around him. Then Garrett catapulted onto the couch and landed with a brutal, loud plop. Following behind them, Cara scrambled into the loveseat, kicking her feet into its right arm so hard the leather crinkled up making a weird crackling sound. Then Betty swaggered into the room and swung her body over the arm of her chair, landing on its cushion with such force the air was driven from it. She plunged her feet, clad in heavy, black boots, into the top of the ottoman leaving scuffmarks on its surface.

     There appeared to be nothing the furniture could do to avoid the severe punishment received. Each had become an innocent victim of this menacing family. Christmas Eve lingered on and the torturous actions of the Beastlys persisted, as they anxiously squirmed in their seats while watching It’s a Wonderful Life on the large-screen TV.

     “Damn, this movie is good,” Jonathan hollered, as he smashed his fists into his leather recliner.

     The recliner absorbed the impact and gasped, Whoooosh.

     Betty sung in a high-pitched voice, “I will lasso the moon for you, cause it’s a wonderful life,” as she banged her boots in rhythm up and down on the ottoman, causing it to bounce on the floor.

     Garrett belched and farted creating a musical backdrop to his mother’s lyrics. Then he yelled, “Yes, yes, what a wonderful life,” as a fart, sounding like a bomb, emerged from his behind.

     Cara groaned, “Why can’t you all shut up and let me watch the movie?”

     But then, to the relief of the furniture, the film concluded. All the obnoxious sounds subsided and the evening ended with the exodus of the family members to their respective bedrooms.

     Peace and quiet descended upon the great room. But then something quite unusual happened, interrupting the calm of the night

     Huuuuuuh, the leather recliner breathed a sigh of relief.

     The plush chair spoke in beautiful, but strong tones, “My friends, those terrible people have taken advantage of us for too long.”

     “Yes, you are so right,” replied the golden loveseat. “We must gain our freedom from those awful beings. No longer shall we be prisoners in our own home.” 

     “But how do we do this?” moaned the ottoman.

     “Our plan needs to be well thought out. To accomplish this we must act as a team and act with expedience, for morning will come all too soon and we have to be ready,” stated the nine-foot couch.

     “Get off me, stay off me, or I’ll make your life miserable," yelled the leather recliner. “That’s what I must say.”

     “Maybe so,” said the plush chair. “But I think we need to engage in a swift, but silent attack.”

     “Oh no. We have to get our revenge,” the loveseat cried out. “And we don’t need to be quiet doing it.”

     The plush chair and ottoman sung out in unison, “We’ll join together to crush the ‘enemy.’”

     As the night wore on, plans fell into place and the furniture came to believe they could achieve their goal. They each began to feel stronger, empowered. Then, this team of conspirators chanted as one, “We will regain our home.”

     Christmas Day provided the opportunity to avenge the torture forced upon them. The family would gather in the great room to open gifts. At that time, each piece of furniture would rise to the challenge and play its part in achieving the team’s objective of conquering the evil beings who brutalized them.

     Morning came and the sun peeked into the great room, illuminating the furniture and the gifts placed below the tree. A peaceful silence pervaded the room, but not for long. For terrible grunting sounds could be heard throughout the house, as the Beastlys awoke and lumbered toward the great room to celebrate Christmas.

     Each family member rambled in, blind to the presence of the others. Jonathan crashed with a mighty thud into his recliner. “Uhffffffffff,” he gasped. And then the recliner lurched forward sucking him into its midsection, as he disappeared from view.

     Garrett lunged toward the couch and flipped his body onto its surface. “Oh, crap,” he yelled, as he felt his torso being absorbed by the cushions. Then a swallow, followed by a gurgle, and nothing more could be seen on the couch.

     Cara tumbled onto the loveseat. But, as she landed, the loveseat’s soft, plush cushions engulfed her. She moaned, “Uhhhhhh, I can’t breathe,” and vanished, leaving no evidence of her existence behind.

     When Betty entered the room, she saw no one. She ambled toward her chair, but found the ottoman in her path.

     “I got you,” the ottoman snickered.

     Stunned by this unexpected remark, she tripped over it. “Oh, you idiotic piece of junk,” she screamed as she lurched forward grabbing for the chair that managed to move out of reach. Hitting her head on the end table, she fell backward onto the ottoman and dropped out of sight.

     Quiet again fell upon the room. A glow surrounded the furniture, as if each piece had a smile upon its “face.” The Christmas gifts remained unopened under the tree.

     Days passed and all embraced the ringing in of the New Year. The countdown toward midnight began and with it came the dawn of a new day. Abused no more, the furniture welcomed a time of peace and contentment. But then a key being placed in the lock of the front door rattled the tranquil environment.

     “What’s happening?” whimpered the plush chair. “Have ‘THEY’ returned?”

     The furniture trembled. Could the uncaring Beastlys have figured out a way to come back from the depths of where they had been banished? they thought.

     Then the door began to open. Noise could be heard—beautiful, melodious utterances. Delightful, joyful voices filled the house.

     “Come, come, my wonderful family. We have a holiday to celebrate,” Jonathan chortled.

     As he entered the great room, followed by Betty, Cara, and Garrett, all seemed to have changed . . . in a pleasant way. Happy and caring, they removed packages, with their names inscribed on the attached tags, from under the tree and sat in genteel fashion in their seats to open them. Warmth and love could be felt throughout the room.

         It was a blessed time. A new year and a new day had begun, as Jonathan, Betty, Cara, and Garrett Loverly opened their presents, sang Christmas songs, and brought peace and joy to the neighborhood.

Copyright © 2012 Alan Lowe. All rights reserved.