Life can be unpredictable. Things happen when least expected.

 

Many questions arise, as you will see in . . .

 

 

Goldilocks And The Three Bares

 

     It was 9:00 pm and I was bushed. I’d worked a twelve-hour day and I couldn’t see straight. I wanted to crawl into bed, close my eyes, and disappear from the cruel world that controlled me. But it was too early.

     I sat in the huge brown recliner in the living room and drifted off. My eyes drooped and . . .

     “Jared, why is the dog barking?”

     “Huh, I don’t know.”

     “Well, go find out.”

     “Why don’t you go? I was almost asleep.”

     “If you’re going to sleep, go to bed.”

     “It’s too early. If I go to bed now, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and lay there staring at the ceiling.”

     “Well, you’re up now. So go check on the dog.”

     “But I don’t hear any barking.”

     “Guess she stopped. Make sure she’s in the house. You know how the neighbors get when she’s out in the yard barking.”

     “Why is that my job? She’s your dog.”

     “My dog? She’s our dog.”

     “You’re the one who wanted a huge goldendoodle, not me.”

     “You love her, don’t you?”

     “Yeah, I guess.”

     “So make sure she’s in the house.”

     “Okay, you win, Cindy.” I brought the chair to an upright position, slid out of it, and plodded to the back door. I opened it and screeched, “Goldilocks, get your ass in the house.” She didn’t come. “Goldilocks, come now!”

     She’s not barking anymore and she has a doggie door. Let her come in that way, I thought. As I began to close the door, she came charging into the house, jumped up, put her paws on my shoulders, and began slobbering all over my face.

     “Down, girl!” I yelled.

     “What are you screaming about?” Cindy shouted.

     “Your dog attacked me.”

     “Our dog would never do that. She loves you.”

     I decided not to push the issue anymore. It was now past ten and I figured it would be best to close up the house and go to bed. Cindy must have felt the same way, because she joined me in the bedroom. We washed up and got into bed—Cindy on the right side, me on the left, and Goldilocks in the middle. If I wanted to get intimate with a female, it would have to be the dog.

     I put the pillow around my head and, within seconds, fell asleep. Then my body was being nudged.

     “Wake up, Jared. Something’s splashing around in the pool,” Cindy said, very concerned.

     “What? I was fast asleep.”

     “You need to check and make sure nothing’s wrong.”

     “I’ll do it in the morning. It’s probably a squirrel or some other creatures taking a bath. Just go back to bed.”

     “But Goldi’s not here.”

     “She’s probably out in the backyard playing with them.”

     “Well, go get her. If she starts barking, she’ll wake the neighbors.”

     Before I could move my lethargic body, Goldilocks came barreling into the bedroom and jumped over me onto the bed. “She’s back,” I murmured.

     “Don’t you think I know that,” Cindy snarled. “Good night!”

     The next morning, the sun shined trough the bedroom window. I stared into the warmest eyes I’d ever seen and Goldi gave me a passionate kiss.

     “Aren’t you going to work today?” Cindy asked.

     “Aren’t you?” I replied.

     “I asked you first,” she grunted.

     “I’m working from home. After my long day yesterday, I need my space. And you?”

     “I don’t have to be there until eleven for our office meeting.”

     Time seemed to fly by. There were no interruptions. I worked on the computer, made a few calls, and watched Goldilocks sleep in her bed across from my desk and get up to go pee in the backyard a couple of times. Nothing much to brag about.

     At 5:15 pm, Cindy entered the house from the garage. “What a day I had,” she moaned. “Nothing went right.”

     “So, tell me what happened.”

     “Later. I’ve got to get undressed.”

     I started to straighten my desk and file some papers, when Cindy came back into the room. She seemed to be holding something behind her back and had a scowl on her face.

     “You don’t look good”, I said.

     “Oh, you’re so right.” She stared at me, with daggers in her eyes. “You’re cheating on me, aren’t you!” she screamed.

     “Cheating on you? Why would I do that?”

     “I found this sticking out from under the bed on my side. And it’s not mine. So, ‘Mr. I’m Not Cheating,’ what do you have to say?”

     She held a bra in her hand, waving it back and forth. “Uh, I’ve never seen that before.”

     “Come on, own up to it, or I’m leaving.”

     “Cindy, it’s not mine. It’s too small.”

     “That’s not funny. This is our marriage I’m talking about.”

     “I know, but I don’t know anything about the bra. And I love you.”

     “Then where did it come from?”

     “I have no idea, but we’ll figure it out.”

     After dinner, I followed Goldi outside twice. She sniffed and smelled and pooped, nothing more. So I figured, it would be a calm and quiet night. We watched TV. Then Cindy headed to the bedroom and I went into the den to check my email.

     I was about shut down my computer for the evening, when the phone rang. “Hello,” I said.

     “Jared, it’s your neighbor, Ben.”

     “What’s up, Ben? Is Goldi barking?”

     “Only once or twice. But I think she may have jumped into your pool.”

     “That’s weird. She’s never done that before. I’ll go check. Thanks for giving me a heads up.”

     I hung up the phone and headed toward the back door. Goldilocks, standing by the dog door, inside the house, shook, spewing water throughout the laundry room. Everything was dripping.

     “Goldi, calm down,” I said. But she continued to shake. Come on, girl, stop!”

     To my surprise, she held something in her mouth. But, when I started to reach for it, she ran away. To her, it was playtime. I chased her into the living room and she came toward me and dropped it at my feet, expecting me to take it and throw it.

     I picked it up and almost choked on my saliva. It was a pair of women’s panties. Clutching them, I headed to the bedroom, with Goldi following me. Cindy was sitting in bed reading.

     She looked at me and asked, “What are you holding?”

     I leaned forward and whispered, “My girlfriend’s panties.”

     “Your what?”

     “You heard me.” I twirled them around with my index finger.

     “Where did they come from?”

     “The backyard, I guess. I think Goldi jumped in the pool to get them.”

     “How did they get into the pool? We haven’t used it in months. And they’re not mine.”

     “Damned if I know, but I’m going to find out.”

     I made sure all the doors in the house were locked. I shut off the outside lights, grabbed my supersized flashlight, exited through the garage to the side of the house, and moved down the pathway to the pool, with Goldi following close behind.

     Then, without warning, Goldilocks bolted ahead of me toward the hot tub. With my flashlight pointed at the tub, I froze. There, to my amazement, sat three naked young women, with Goldi standing outside the tub licking their faces.

     “Hi, Mr. Alby,” they chanted in unison.

     I gasped, covered my eyes, and hustled into the house to tell Cindy the true story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bares.”

 

 

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