9-1-1 is an emergency telephone number in the United States and other countries. Like other emergency numbers around the world, this number is intended for use in emergency circumstances only.

 

But if you’re a senior citizen and your emergency is more an urgency than a crisis, you need to call . . .

 

 

9-1-2

 

“This is 9-1-2. What’s your urgency?”

“I’m eighty-one, my cat fell asleep in my lap, and I can’t get out of my chair.”

 

“Gently squeeze his back to awaken him.”

“But what if he gets angry?”

 

“Okay, ma’am, a truck is on its way.

Is your door open.”

 

“Didn’t you hear me?

I can’t get up with my fifty-pound cat in my lap.”

 

“Well, ma’am, if we can’t get in,

we can’t remove the cat?”

 

“You’re no help at all.

Goodbye!”

 

“Ma’am, don’t hang up.

What is your cat’s name?”

 

“Julius—Julius Caesar.

He’s a roamin’ cat.”

 

“All right, hold the phone to his ear.

Have you done it?”

 

“Huh. Yes!” she screeched.

“He’s gone—jumped off my lap. Thank you.”

 

“That’s what we’re here for.

Have a good day.”

 

“This is 9-1-2. What’s your urgency?”

“My husband fell asleep on the pot.”

 

“So, why do you need us?

Just open the door and tell him to get up.”

 

“But the door is locked.

He’s been in there for two hours and isn’t responding.”

 

“Do you have a good marriage?

Is he faithful?”

 

“Yes, I think so.

Why does that matter?”

 

“Sometimes calling out the girlfriend’s name will get his attention.

Try yelling, ‘Joanie is here and wants to see you.’”

 

She did as I asked.

And, to my amazement, I heard a loud scream.

 

“How the hell did you find out about Joanie?” he shouted.

“And why are you holding the door shut?”

 

“You’ll be getting the name of a marriage counselor in the mail.

Also, a good divorce lawyer. Goodbye, ma’am.”

 

“This is 9-1-2. What’s your urgency?”

“My mother forgot to give me my lunch money.”

 

“How old are you?

We are here to help senior citizens with their daily problems.”

 

“I’m fifty-five.

I need my lunch money, or I’ll starve to death.”

 

“I think you should talk to your mother. You do live with her, don’t you?”

No answer. “Please let me speak with her.”

 

“She can’t come to the phone.

She’s hanging on the clothes line in the backyard.”

 

“She’s hanging clothes on the clothes line in the yard.

Is that what you said?”

 

“No, she’s hanging on the clothes line.

I wouldn’t have done it if she’d given me the money.”

 

“Excuse me, sir, I have to put you on hold so I can make a call.”

“This is 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?”

 

 

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